A Denomination Satire

This essay is a satire. I'm using humor, irony or exaggeration to expose our follies. So don't get bent out of shape. Let's laugh at ourselves.

The BAPTISTS are much more apt to stress the importance of coming forward to be saved. Their favorite hymn is Just as I Am that they sing at the end of each sermon...and sing...and sing...and sing...and sing until one or two get so hungry for lunch that they come forward to dedicate their lives. 

The Baptists also believe in "once saved always saved" that, I guess, indicates that once baptized one can break all 10 commandments and still go to heaven. 

A church member who misbehaves is said to have "backslid." Two decades ago the Southern Baptists held their annual convention in San Antonio. That week the nightclubs did the worst business ever recorded; the package stores did the best. There were thousands of backsliding Baptists walking around San Antonio that week.  

The only qualification for becoming a Baptist preacher is the ability to say GOUuud, raising the third syllable to an octave higher than the first one.

The EPISCOPALIANS do in public what the rest of us do in private. They are the wealthiest protestant denomination in the world so they must be doing something right.

The PRESBYTERIANS and REFORMED CHURCHES are the "frozen chosen" who believe in predestination. They say that God reaches down and chooses some to become puppet Christians. The rest of us are left out. Here's the irony: the Presbyterians spend tons of money of missionaries. If God has already chosen some to become Christians why do they need missionaries? 

They are huge on theology, knowledge and learning. Sometimes I think they love theology more than Jesus. 

They believe in intellectual conversion and shun alter calls because "emotions never last." Of the seven fruits of the spirit--love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness and self-control, the scale ways heavily in the favor of self-control over joy. 

One time I became overwhelmed with emotion and cried during a service. At the end of the session the congregants thought I had acquired leprosy and gave me a wide birth as if Moses had parted the Red Sea. 

Nevertheless, I will continue to attend their church as a Methodist missionary who teaches joy and laughter and as one who loves learning and the people there. Plus, they have the best church parking in Blacksburg.

The CHARISMATICS are high on the Holy Spirit. They emphasize speaking in tongues, modern prophets, emotion and healing. 

If I had cried in their service, the elders would have flocked to me like gypsy moths to a candle flame, sprinkling my head with oil, laying their hands on me and praying loudly. 

When we had a home in Red River, New Mexico, Vicki and I would attend the Charismatic Church. One Sunday Jimmie Dale stood to say, "I am a profit of the Lord. He has instructed me to tell you, Billie Bob, that you are a sinner." Billie Bob stood and said, "I too am a prophet of the Lord and he has instructed me to tell you, Jimmie Dale, that you are the antichrist." (Except for the names, I did not make this up.)

The men's Bible Study didn't appreciate my inability to name the exact date I was saved so I suddenly contrived a date. After that I was their Bible Studying Buddy.

One time in San Antonio I went to see Jesse Duplantis, the charismatic who recently asked us to buy him a $54M jet plane. After an impassioned sermon filled with GOUuud in a Cajun accent, and passing the collection plate (several times), he called those seeking a healing to come forward. A dozen or so came down. He went to each, placed his hand on the forehead, said a few words and gave a vigorous push. Each seeker swooned and fell back into the arms of an attendant. Soon the church filled with cries of "I CAN SEE; I CAN HEAR; I CAN WALK. PRAISE THE LORD. AMEN. AMEN."  

Question: If the Charismatics are so good at healing why do so many of their preachers die of snake bite?

As a life-long METHODIST, a Methodist to the bone-marrow, I can unequivocally and without a hint of bias say that Methodism is the absolute best denomination. 

After all Brother Bob can always be counted on to spike the punch at any church function. The ladies are able to provide 15 different flavored casseroles to any grieving home in 12 minutes, and the men make the best sandpit barbecue while spitting their chaw on the burning coals and telling the tallest TRUE tales ever heard on church grounds. 

Unfortunately they believe the social gospel is bridge, board-games and the "Boot Scootin' Bogie."

When a Methodist misbehaves he is said to have "fallen from grace" so actions do count. Likewise Methodist affirm sanctifying grace: they emphasize becoming more Christ-like in action, mind and spirit. 

 

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In my view, a Christian is one who believes Jesus Christ died to redeem our sins and one who lives a life to serve, glorify and please God. All the rest is flotsam and jetsam.