Bringing Balance to Life: Listen to Save Time

Have you lost a business deal because you didn't clearly understand the other person's point of view. Have you spent hours restoring harmony after a misunder­standing offended your spouse? Has a misinterpretation caused a loss of time with your children, friends or associates? How many doctors have missed a diagnosis because they didn't listen?

Listening is a lost art: 

• We are "too busy" for concentrated listening. 
• We're multitasking. 
• We have three or four things on our mind. 
• We're watching TV. Consider this: Many restaurants display multiple televisions. Because of the orientation reflex whenever the television blinks our eyes flick toward the TV.  (The orientation reflex is an impulse buried deep in our brain's amygdala that helped prevent primitive man from becoming tiger meat.)
• Texting prevents intimacy. We've all seen two or more people sitting together texting instead of talking. 

Why listen?

• Listening will help you make time-saving decisions. 
• Listening prevents confusion.
• Listening engenders harmony in relationships.
• Listening sparks win-win situations.
• Listening shows respect. Consider this: When listening to a report were you focused on the speaker?
• You'll be respected and popular. A good listener always allows people to hear their favorite speakers---them­selves. People are a thousand times more likely to be interested in themselves than in you.

Here are the cardinal techniques for listening:

• Get the name right. 
• When introduced to someone we often don't hear the name because many people slur or garble their name. At other times they look down or speak softly when giving their name. They may say their name too fast. Replying, "I'm sorry I didn't get your name or (if it is a difficult name) would you mind spelling your name" shows respect and demonstrates their importance to you. 
• In the next sentence repeat their name.
• Make an association to the name. For example, if Mr. Hall is tall, see Mr. Hall walking up a tall hall. Just don't call Mr. Hall Mr. Tall.
• Listening begins and ends with making the other person feel important. 
• Listen more, talk less. Listening to people talk about themselves works with human nature. Talking about yourself works against human nature.
• Replace "I" with "you."
• Use the psychiatrist technique. After receiving my MD degree and finishing a medical intern year becoming a psychiatrist was easy. The first year of psychiatric training they taught me to say, "hmm." The second year I learned to say, "my-my." The third year I mastered, "Tell me more." 
• Use "Hmm," "my-my," "tell me more" to learn all you wanted to know about a person
• Because the eyes are the gateway to the soul, communication at the deepest level comes from eye contact.
• Concentrating on the speaker builds trust. Improves rapport. Enhances hearing. You pick up nuances in facial expression and body posture when you watch the speaker.
• Reflecting back what you thought you heard clarifies points: "I heard you say______is that correct?
• An open, interested posture encourages the speaker and builds confidence in the relationship. Leaning away, looking away, or folding the arms indicates indifference, opposition, or boredom.
• Interrupting with I statements wastes time...and it also marks you as a boring narcissist.  Avoid comments such as, I lived in Phoenix...Did you know I...I have a third cousin who...I love Texas A & M ... 
• Using clarifying or empathetic queries encourages the person to get to the point: 
• I understand… 
• What happened next?
• Would you please clarify that? 
• How do you know?
• Where did you hear? 
• Asking questions develops rapport and understand­ing. When people enjoy being with you, they share important matters. 
• Questions are the royal path to persuasion. Asking questions will tell you what others want, what motivates them. You can then use this knowledge to develop a time saving win-win situation. By helping other people get what they want, you can get what you want.
• Brevity, the heart of conversation, shows respect, saves time.  Say, "Because we respect each other's time, let's briefly cover the main topics and we'll decide what to do about them." Stand up when you are ready to terminate the conversation.
• Learn something from everyone you meeting by asking questions that interest you. Everyone has an interesting story hidden somewhere in their heart.
• Avoid boring conversations.Time is too precious to be bored.  If listless conversations or people frustrate you, move on. Avoid tedium. Seek more interesting friends and associates.