Perfecting Tolerance for Imperfection

My good friend, William T. Hendricks, Jr., MD, says he helps perfectionists give up their punishing pursuits by telling them, "You have to learn to perfect your tolerance for imperfection." In other words, "Learn to put up with your imperfections in such a way that you become perfect at accepting your mistakes and flaws."

There are several ways perfectionists can tolerate their mistakes. Byron Katie in her book, Loving What Is suggests an approach used in Cognitive Behavior Therapy. For example, you tell yourself, "I must make an A on every exam if I want to get into the graduate school of my choice." Here's how to counter that absurd statement:

1. Is the statement "I must make an A on every exam if I want to get into the graduate school of my choice" a true statement?
2. Can you be absolutely certain the statement is true?

• An A on every exam?
• Who specifically told you that?
• What makes you think that?
• Where did you learn that?
• When did you learn that?
• How do you know?
• Are your feelings based on facts?
• Will your thinking help protect your life and health?
• Will your thoughts help you avoid conflicts with others?
• Will your thinking help you feel the emotions you want to feel?

3. What happens when you have that thought? Choose several responses: I get uptight. I become anxious. I get frustrated. I can't enjoy my life. I become depressed. I study all the time. I neglect my friends….and on and on………

4. Who would you be without the thought? Would you be happier? Would you be more relaxed so you could study more efficiently? Would you have more time with your friends? Would you be more confident? What else would happen?
5. Turn the statement around by saying, "I don't have to make an A on every exam to get into the graduate school of my choice."
6. Give three genuine examples of how the turnaround is true. Here are some examples:

• Snerdly got into the school I want to go to and he had a 3.0 average.
• Only three students out of 4,601 seniors had a perfect 4.0 GPA last year so that many students got into graduate schools without making all As.
• Trying to make a 4.0 GPA for four years will hurt my chances of getting into graduate school because I won't have time to develop other interests that graduate schools use to accept students.