This May Help You Develop Instantaneous Rapport with Others or It May Make You Seem Ridiculosly Foolish

Sometimes I tell people, “I’m a redneck Texan with a very thin veneer of culture.” 

I especially use this self-deprecating remark with stuffy people, the pompous, the high and the mighty. It's a good way to relax those who feel intimidated or nervous. Or when people are uptight. It stops hubris when I become fascinated by my own perceived self-importance. 

Self-deprecating humor can breakdown barriers and pull people closer together. It shows how confident and comfortable we feel in our own skin and indicates an easy going, fun loving outlook on life. 

A joke with a punch line can relieve tension, but the best type of humor builds bonds. Here are some unifying examples:

• I often tell my patient’s, “In a few weeks you will begin to feel better, but don’t stop taking your medicine because if you do you will have a relapse.” I then add, “Actually I hope you will stop your medicine because you will have a relapse and return to see me so often that I will make a lot of money and keep my wife living the way she has grown accustomed.” Their laughter makes them more likely to continue taking their medicine. 
• With a friend who is direction challenged I say, “I have to be careful when I don’t know where I am going because I might get there.” 
• When a patient says that he is afraid to tell me some things I reply, “I don’t blame you. I scare myself every time I look in the mirror.” 
• When a neighbor commented on a bare spot in my lawn I said, “I forgot to plant the grass green side up.” 
• I work out with two “animals” who can lift four times as much as I can. To stop my inferiority complex I once told them, “I am really proud of my progress. Within a few months I will be lifting more than a 79-pound anorexic.” 
• When patients comment on all the diplomas on my office wall I tell them, “I bought the whole package for $19.99 at Wal-Mart.” 

You may feel uncomfortable using self-deprecating humor, but it works for me. I've found that it almost always improves rapport with business associates, customers, patients, friends, relatives, neighbors, arrogant snobs, and hostile acquaintances. 

How to Be a Lazy Perfectionist

I'm a semi-perfectionist. I should on myself a lot as in I should read more. I'm a must-tard like I must be the best psychiatrist in Blacksburg. (I am. I'm also the worst. I'm the only psychiatrist in Blacksburg.) I'm an oughteur as in I ought to practice the guitar. But at the same time I can forgive myself when I fail to live up to my expectations. Maybe you could say that I'm a lazy perfectionist.

I would like to do better, but I'm kinder to myself than Five-Star Perfectionists who grieve themselves and others in their quest for the quintessential:

• They're consumed with the consummate. 
• Flayed by flawlessness. 
• Idiots to the ideal.
• Paralyzed by the paragon. 
• Usurped by the unsurpassable. 
• Quashed by the quintessential. 
• Their favorite desert is creme de la creme. 

Enough of that. I kinda got carried away with the word play....And I don't want to discount the curse of perfectionism. It may be the most significant cause of depression. It's a major contributor to anxiety. Perfectionists worry more. They are terrified of not being loved and the very fear of rejection drives people away.

Perfectionism is no laughing matter.

On the other hand humor is a perfectionist's antitoxin.

Granted telling perfectionists to laugh at themselves is equivalent to telling a cowboy in a rattlesnake den to relax. Nonetheless, laughter is the lazy way to tolerate our imperfections. No Five-Method Program to Stop Procrastination or Ten Steps to Success Defeating Procrastination. No book to read or course to take. Just laughter.

Humor or to be more specific cosmic humor, the ability to not take ourselves so seriously and to see the absurdity in our daily strivings can be learned.

Cosmic humor occurs when something seems wrong or amiss while it simultaneously seems acceptable or safe.

All of us perfectionists and semi-perfectionist know that the quest for perfectionism is wrong, undesirable, heartbreaking, disturbing, upsetting, futile. The best way to manage this monster---to feel safe---is to take a mind's eye look at ourselves and see, really see, the absurdity of our behavior, have a good laugh and treat ourselves with more compassion.

And here's the paradox: When we don't take ourselves so seriously we perform better.

Bringing Balance to Life: The Overwork Trap

The overwork trap weaves its tangled web insidi­ously. We have so much to do we can't seem to get it all done. We get busier and busier and we fail to catch up. The harder we work, the more mistakes we make. The more mistakes we make, the harder we work. Because of the mistakes we make, the further behind we get.      

This frenetic activity can escalate to produce symp­toms of burnout or overwork. Multiple physical symptoms: headaches, backaches, GI distress, restless sleep, fatigue. Emotional problems abound: apathy, worry, irritability, depression, anxiety, dreading work, poor work performance, joyless striving. Impaired relationships and a growing sense of disliking the client can also signify overwork.

Preventing burnout comes from recognizing our limitations and seeking variety and balance in our lives. We may be unable to change our environmental stress­es, but we can adapt a more moderate response to those stresses by doing the best we can and learning to protect our time. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRgs2Cgn7I0

Bringing Balance to Life: Stop Guilt

There are three types of guilt: Guilt that motivates us to change our behavior; guilt that punishes us just enough to allow us to keep doing those things we feel guilty about; and guilt for harming someone. 

Disappointment for getting caught is not guilt. Some people apologize, not because they feel guilty, but because their misdeeds were discovered. We see that hand-in-the-cookie-jar apology all the time on television and over social media. It means nothing to the wrong doer or the recipients of the bad deed. 

Some people try to make us feel guilty to manipulate us into doing something they want, but if we trust in ourselves and are confident in our life's purpose we can stand strong against games other people play.

Some of us have a tendency to feel guilty over poor judgment or past mistakes. Bad judgment does not make us bad people. The best we can do when we have made an error in judg­ment is to rid ourselves of guilty feelings by learning from our mistakes. We do best when we learn from our mistakes and move on. 

Forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

If you feel guilty about something that you know is wrong there is an easy solution---STOP IT!  Stop ratio­nalizing. Stop wringing your hands. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop doing what you know is wrong. Stop wasting time doing wrong things. Let the guilt compel you to be strong enough to stop the wrong behavior; let it teach you how to behave the next time. Stop bad behavior and start enjoying your life and your time.

When we have harmed someone the most important step is to confess our wrong doing and ask for forgiveness from the other person. An apology doesn't mean there is no guilt and forgiving doesn't mean the pain is gone. Nonetheless we can seek forgiveness and ask God to heal our guilt so that we can love with a gentle heart and a strong spirit. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zljYVfHdAOE

Bringing Balance to Life: Heart Check

I'm 6'3" broad shouldered, big boned, look robust, solid, but with one blow I'd crash down like a redwood hewed by an Oregon lumberjack. My friend is 5'11" thin, rather frail looking. Most likely street thugs would attack him, leave me alone. Their mistake. A side kick to the throat, a roundhouse to the temple, and an elbow smash to the face from my black belt friend would reduce the thugs to steak tartare. He's stronger, healthier, more athletic than me. Looks deceive. 

Likewise, the heart. I may speak words as soothing as gently falling rain, belt out a gospel hymn as mighty as rolling thunder, pray piously, quote scripture, but possess a vile, judgmental, jealous heart. Here's a scary thought: I can fool myself. I serve in the Thanksgiving Food Line therefore I must be compassionate. I tithe, certainly I must be generous. I work with Habitat for Humanity ergo I must be a servant. But activity can't whiten a black heart. 

In the last blog I wrote about deeds being more important than words. True, if our heart is loving. I try to remember to do a heart check from time to time. Am I doing this because my heart compels me? Am I doing that with a tender heart?

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way ever lasting. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYi9Vr8bHJY&list=RDnkNu0oM1HZY&index=4