Become Unglued

Avoiding enmeshment requires that we assume responsibility for ourselves while rejecting responsibility that belongs to others. While we can control our thoughts and actions, we cannot control the thoughts and actions of others.  When we rescue others—when we enable others—we prevent them from learning from their own mistakes—we retard their emotional and spiritual growth.  When we assume responsibility for another’s mistakes or bad choices, we cultivate a dependency that prevents the other person from growing emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  Because they have never had to suffer the consequences of their behavior, dependent people lack a sense of competence or completeness.  Without a sense of identity, they define themselves solely by their relationships.  To put it more simply, we turn people into babies when we try to rescue them from their mistakes.

Truth Telling

Telling the truth requires a life lived without fear, self-delusion, omnipotence, grandiosity, self-seeking and self-pity.  We lie to others and ourselves out of a need for power, a need to be liked or a need to protect our own sense of self-worth.  Lying is an attempt to circumvent legitimate suffering and, hence, is productive of mental illness.  There are two types of lies: A black lie—a statement that we know is false; and a white lie, a statement that leaves out a significant part of the truth.  Peck gives five rules for truth telling:

1)    Never tell a black lie.

2)    Never withhold the truth for selfish reasons.

3)    Withholding the truth must be based on the needs of others.

4)    Withholding the truth must be based on genuine love for others.

5)    Withholding the truth must be based on helping others grow emotionally, intellectually or spiritually. 

In short, there are very, very few times when lying is justified. 

Accepting Responsibility

Accepting responsibility requires continual self-examination to make certain that we avoid blaming others or making excuses.  Freedom of choice, demands that we accept the consequences of our choices.  In making right choices, we must be convinced that any life run on self-will ultimately will fail.  When we replace self-centeredness with God-centeredness, we become less and less interested in making choices based selfish desires and more and more interested in helping others.  Before we make decisions, we would do well to ask ourselves these questions: 1) Am I breaking God’s law.  2) Is it legal?  3) Is it ethical—does this choice follow the Golden Rule?  4) Is my decision based on selfish ambition or vain conceit?  5) Am I looking not only to my own interests, but also to the interests of others?  6) Am I following the will of God?  7) Am I acting according to God’s good purpose for my life?

Delaying Gratification

Delaying gratification means putting off instantaneous pleasure to develop our talents so that we can grow emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  Examples of delaying gratification include eating vegetables before the desert, studying instead of playing, working to achieve a goal and keeping our promises to others and ourselves.  Delaying gratification requires being faithful to our commitments.  Those who have struggled to achieve a prize know that there is joy in the journey to success.  There is as Robert Frost wrote, “the pleasure in taking pains.”

Life Is Difficult

The Road Less Traveled combined Dr. Peck's experiences from his psychiatric practice with mystical interpretations dealt primarily with personal responsibility for growth of love and spirituality. The book’s opening sentence, "Life is difficult," introduced the theme that each day presents a series of challenges.  

Solving problems gives life meaning by enabling us to grow mentally and spiritually As we grow in discipline and love, our empathy for others grows, too.  Without growth, we tend to define our worldview too narrowly, becoming harshly judgmental of others.

Avoiding problems produces emotional illness.  Since all of us tend to avoid the uncomfortable feelings engendered by problem solving, all of us to a greater of lesser degree lack complete emotional health.  All of us would benefit from learning the value of facing our problems directly and experiencing the pain of solving problems.  Constructive problem solving—discipline—consists of four characteristics: delaying gratification, accepting responsibility, telling the truth and avoiding enmeshment.