People Pleasers and People Poopers

Most of us--over fifty percent of us--are people pleasers. We are conscientious, industrious, persevering citizens who possess the following traits:

• We have a difficult time saying "no."
• We take on more and more tasks.
• We tend to base our self-worth on the opinions of others.
• We often feel tired, "burned-out" and overworked but we persist diligently because "somebody has to do it"  or "the project must be done and done right."
• We sometimes have difficulty scheduling vacations and keeping them.
• We seek harmony.
• We are joiners.
• We chair the Presbyterian Petunia Plucking Committee or the Rotary Rotund Reducers Exercise Club

Well... I may exaggerate a little bit here and there but you get the point. We are the worker bees and the harmonious helpers of the world. 

Then we come face-to-face with people poopers and soon frustration reigns supreme. About 20%--that's one in five--have a personality disorder that causes all sorts of problems for the rest of us. We sometimes find ourselves spending 80% of our time trying to help 20% of those who can't be helped.

What can we do about this? The first step requires recognizing people poopers. Here are their characteristics:

• They are empty vessels that can't be filled up.  They demand more and more and are never satisfied.
• They refuse to accept responsibility for their behavior.
• They make excuses.
• They blame others for their problems.
• They tend to complain and whine.
• They don't get sick. They make us sick. We get headaches, stomach aches and a weary feeling of despair if we are around them too much.

Here are some suggestions for managing our emotions when we are exposed to relatives who are people poopers:

• When we recognize a relative who is a people pooper realize that no matter how assiduously we try to please them we never will so we can avoid feeling guilty and frustrated by their demands.
• Severely limit our time with relative people poopers.
• Stop going "the extra mile."
• We can say something like this to a relative people pooper, "Dad, I'm sorry I can't please you but I'm doing the best I can." This statement won't work, but it might help you feel better about the situation.
• Here's a statement that may work if repeated often enough. We can say something like this, "Uncle Frank I notice that you do best when you are around other people. Let's see if there is an apartment in the Sun City Retirement Community where you can join all the fun there." Of course, they will respond with, "You are just trying to get rid of me." We can counter with, "I want you to be happy and fulfilled." Then leave. Get out of there. Don't stay around for the whining, temper tantrum, plate throwing arguments.
• We only frustrate ourselves when we try to change our relative because people poopers never change and they are never reasonable.  

Now... what do we do when we meet a people pooper at work, club or church:

• Avoid them. You may think, that doesn't sound like a Christian. I agree. It sounds like a sane Christian. The only way we can help a people pooper is through prayer. Pray for Holy Spirit intervention. Only God can help them. 
• Refer them to the pastor.
• Ignore them.
• Don't have lunch with them, etc, etc.

If we do not protect our time no one else will. We must save our energy for those people and projects that merit our devotion.

A Childlike Mind

Last week I wrote that Holes was one of my favorite movies. My most favorite movie of all time is The Princess Bride. 

Those who enjoy these type movies would have to have, I think, a childlike mind--a mind that is innocent, naive, open, nonjudgemental, frolicsome. I don't know. Because that sounds like someone who would like science fiction that I find boring.

I could care less who wins between Superman and Batman; who avenged who, and what tape will self-destruct in five seconds. My grandchildren were gobsmacked when I went to sleep in the last Star-Wars especially since the sound never dropped below 120 decibels throughout the movie.  It certainly doesn't seem like I have a childlike mind if you have to like one of those shows to qualify.

So I can't tell you why I enjoy The Princess Bride so much, but I do. Maybe it's because of all the memorable one liners:

• Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!
• As you wish.
• Inconceivable!
• Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
• I'm not a witch. I'm your wife.
• Mawidge. That bwessed awangement!
• I love you was what it was but you never heard.
• There have been five great kisses since 1642 B.C. And the precise rating of kisses is a terribly difficult thing, often leading to great controversy... Well, this one left them all behind. 
• When I was your age, television was called books.
• Do I love you? My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches.
• Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high (In the book, not the movie.)
• True love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops. (Book.)
• Cynics are simply thwarted romantics. (Book).
• The Pit of Despair
• Get used to disappointment.
• Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world except for a nice MLT--mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich. 
• They're kissing again. Do we have to read the kissing parts?
• Have fun storming the castle.
• It'll take a miracle.
• You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
• You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
• Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
• It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise.
• We face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill.
• You mean you put down your rock and I'll put sown my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people.
• You have a great gift for rhyme.

If you haven't seen the movie the above quotes probably mean absolutely nothing to you. If you have seen the movie (or read the book) I may have left out your favorite. 

Either way may you live long and prosper. Oops wrong movie. 

If Only, If Only

If only, if only is a line sung in the 2003 comedy-adventure movie Holes starring Jon Voight, Sigourney Weaver and Shia LaBeouf about a wrongfully convicted boy sent to a brutal desert detention camp where he joins the job of digging holes for some mysterious reason.

It's one of my top ten movies of all time. I have watched it a half-dozen or so times and am delighted with each viewing.

I was discussing decision making with a friend recently. We both agreed that some decisions produce rotten results. If only, if only began ringing in my mind.

We make decisions using several different techniques:

1. The Ben Franklin technique--draw a line down the middle of a page with Pros on one side of the line and Cons on the other.
2. Value decision making--listing the things that we most value as a way to choose.
3. Another aid in choosing: The aspiration technique written about by Agnes Callard, a philosophy professor at University of Chicago in her book Aspiration: The Agency of Becoming. She suggests that we make choices based on who we desire to become. We leave the old behind to create and discover a new self.

Unfortunately I often fail to use any of these techniques. I make decisions impulsively. This unwise technique has caused my mind to be bombarded with "if onlys" as harshly as the furies pursued Orestes. 

Regret is an intemperate and self-indulgent imposition that empties our spirit, similar to digging holes in the desert.  I am powerless over the mistakes I have made therefore I have asked God to remove those regrets from my mind so I can discover a new self. I aspire to be kinder to myself.  

The Butterfly of Hope

When I was 6-years old we lived in Wharton, Texas. Every Saturday morning I would sit in front of the radio listening to the Lone Ranger--"A fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty 'Hi-yo Silver'";  Sky King--"From out of the clear blue of the western Sky comes Sky King"; Sergeant Preston of the Yukon--"On King! On, you huskies!"

My favorite was Big Jon and Sparky--"an elf from the land of make-believe who wanted more than anything to be a real boy!" I only remember one episode from that program and that had to do with an adaption of the Greek myth about the first woman Pandora, a lovely, shy maiden whose name means "the gift of all."

The gods lavished her with gifts, bright garlands of blooming flowers, silvery raiment, a crown of gold. To test her faithfulness Zeus presented her with a golden chest emblazoned with diamonds and pearls that unbeknownst to her held all the harmful things of the world. Zeus admonished her never to open the shimmering trunk.

Pandora possessed a lively curiosity. The desire to know overcame her. She opened the box. Out flew dark spirits, hideous effigies of plague, famine, rape, pillage, pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth, sorrow and mischief for all mankind.

In terror Pandora rushed to clamp down the lid. Just before the chest closed out swirled the butterfly of hope.

Hope, our comfort in misfortune, the sustainer in the midst of trouble, that which brings the expectation of fortunate events has been described by Emily Dickinson as "the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without words and never stops at all;" and by Pope as that "which springs eternal."

The swallow as the first bird to appear at the start of spring, the anchor that holds things in place and the dove that brought the olive branch to Noah have been symbols of hope, but I will always think of hope as a butterfly with gossamer wings that flits around me, a motif for the Holy Spirit that encourages and comforts me.

Memories of Wharton, Texas fade away save one: that of a little boy shuddering from all the evil spirits that had escaped from Pandora's box... and then delighted by the butterfly that offers hope to us all.

The Cycle of Accelerated Returns

I have been taking online guitar lessons from Andy Crowley and found an interesting graphic in his complementary book, Beginners Guitar Book called the Cycle of Accelerated Returns.

I had never heard this term before reading Andy's book and I thought perhaps that you hadn't either so I attached the graphic.

This concept contains common sense: the more you practice, the better you get, but I had never seen the idea conceptualized this way.

We learn best through practice and repetition. The medical school maxim: "see one, do one, teach one" holds true in just about every learning process.

We learn by doing.

Initially learning something new is a grind. Tedious. Boring. Wearisome. Frustrating. Irksome.

The exasperation we face in the initial stage of learning toughens our minds as we learn to delay gratification. Persistence will lead to improvement making it easier to practice. The improved skill makes practicing more interesting that causes us to want to practice longer that increases skill and you have joined the cycle.

The key to merging with the Cycle of Accelerated Returns is persistence. The most certain way to success is to try one more time.

So how am I doing with the guitar lessons? Well... I'm enjoying the process and practicing longer so I must be on that cycle although I still can't play that F barre cord.