This May Help You Develop Instantaneous Rapport with Others or It May Make You Seem Ridiculosly Foolish

Sometimes I tell people, “I’m a redneck Texan with a very thin veneer of culture.” 

I especially use this self-deprecating remark with stuffy people, the pompous, the high and the mighty. It's a good way to relax those who feel intimidated or nervous. Or when people are uptight. It stops hubris when I become fascinated by my own perceived self-importance. 

Self-deprecating humor can breakdown barriers and pull people closer together. It shows how confident and comfortable we feel in our own skin and indicates an easy going, fun loving outlook on life. 

A joke with a punch line can relieve tension, but the best type of humor builds bonds. Here are some unifying examples:

• I often tell my patient’s, “In a few weeks you will begin to feel better, but don’t stop taking your medicine because if you do you will have a relapse.” I then add, “Actually I hope you will stop your medicine because you will have a relapse and return to see me so often that I will make a lot of money and keep my wife living the way she has grown accustomed.” Their laughter makes them more likely to continue taking their medicine. 
• With a friend who is direction challenged I say, “I have to be careful when I don’t know where I am going because I might get there.” 
• When a patient says that he is afraid to tell me some things I reply, “I don’t blame you. I scare myself every time I look in the mirror.” 
• When a neighbor commented on a bare spot in my lawn I said, “I forgot to plant the grass green side up.” 
• I work out with two “animals” who can lift four times as much as I can. To stop my inferiority complex I once told them, “I am really proud of my progress. Within a few months I will be lifting more than a 79-pound anorexic.” 
• When patients comment on all the diplomas on my office wall I tell them, “I bought the whole package for $19.99 at Wal-Mart.” 

You may feel uncomfortable using self-deprecating humor, but it works for me. I've found that it almost always improves rapport with business associates, customers, patients, friends, relatives, neighbors, arrogant snobs, and hostile acquaintances. 

How to Be a Lazy Perfectionist

I'm a semi-perfectionist. I should on myself a lot as in I should read more. I'm a must-tard like I must be the best psychiatrist in Blacksburg. (I am. I'm also the worst. I'm the only psychiatrist in Blacksburg.) I'm an oughteur as in I ought to practice the guitar. But at the same time I can forgive myself when I fail to live up to my expectations. Maybe you could say that I'm a lazy perfectionist.

I would like to do better, but I'm kinder to myself than Five-Star Perfectionists who grieve themselves and others in their quest for the quintessential:

• They're consumed with the consummate. 
• Flayed by flawlessness. 
• Idiots to the ideal.
• Paralyzed by the paragon. 
• Usurped by the unsurpassable. 
• Quashed by the quintessential. 
• Their favorite desert is creme de la creme. 

Enough of that. I kinda got carried away with the word play....And I don't want to discount the curse of perfectionism. It may be the most significant cause of depression. It's a major contributor to anxiety. Perfectionists worry more. They are terrified of not being loved and the very fear of rejection drives people away.

Perfectionism is no laughing matter.

On the other hand humor is a perfectionist's antitoxin.

Granted telling perfectionists to laugh at themselves is equivalent to telling a cowboy in a rattlesnake den to relax. Nonetheless, laughter is the lazy way to tolerate our imperfections. No Five-Method Program to Stop Procrastination or Ten Steps to Success Defeating Procrastination. No book to read or course to take. Just laughter.

Humor or to be more specific cosmic humor, the ability to not take ourselves so seriously and to see the absurdity in our daily strivings can be learned.

Cosmic humor occurs when something seems wrong or amiss while it simultaneously seems acceptable or safe.

All of us perfectionists and semi-perfectionist know that the quest for perfectionism is wrong, undesirable, heartbreaking, disturbing, upsetting, futile. The best way to manage this monster---to feel safe---is to take a mind's eye look at ourselves and see, really see, the absurdity of our behavior, have a good laugh and treat ourselves with more compassion.

And here's the paradox: When we don't take ourselves so seriously we perform better.

Bringing Balance to Life: The Overwork Trap

The overwork trap weaves its tangled web insidi­ously. We have so much to do we can't seem to get it all done. We get busier and busier and we fail to catch up. The harder we work, the more mistakes we make. The more mistakes we make, the harder we work. Because of the mistakes we make, the further behind we get.      

This frenetic activity can escalate to produce symp­toms of burnout or overwork. Multiple physical symptoms: headaches, backaches, GI distress, restless sleep, fatigue. Emotional problems abound: apathy, worry, irritability, depression, anxiety, dreading work, poor work performance, joyless striving. Impaired relationships and a growing sense of disliking the client can also signify overwork.

Preventing burnout comes from recognizing our limitations and seeking variety and balance in our lives. We may be unable to change our environmental stress­es, but we can adapt a more moderate response to those stresses by doing the best we can and learning to protect our time. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRgs2Cgn7I0

Bringing Balance to Life: Stop Guilt

There are three types of guilt: Guilt that motivates us to change our behavior; guilt that punishes us just enough to allow us to keep doing those things we feel guilty about; and guilt for harming someone. 

Disappointment for getting caught is not guilt. Some people apologize, not because they feel guilty, but because their misdeeds were discovered. We see that hand-in-the-cookie-jar apology all the time on television and over social media. It means nothing to the wrong doer or the recipients of the bad deed. 

Some people try to make us feel guilty to manipulate us into doing something they want, but if we trust in ourselves and are confident in our life's purpose we can stand strong against games other people play.

Some of us have a tendency to feel guilty over poor judgment or past mistakes. Bad judgment does not make us bad people. The best we can do when we have made an error in judg­ment is to rid ourselves of guilty feelings by learning from our mistakes. We do best when we learn from our mistakes and move on. 

Forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

If you feel guilty about something that you know is wrong there is an easy solution---STOP IT!  Stop ratio­nalizing. Stop wringing your hands. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop doing what you know is wrong. Stop wasting time doing wrong things. Let the guilt compel you to be strong enough to stop the wrong behavior; let it teach you how to behave the next time. Stop bad behavior and start enjoying your life and your time.

When we have harmed someone the most important step is to confess our wrong doing and ask for forgiveness from the other person. An apology doesn't mean there is no guilt and forgiving doesn't mean the pain is gone. Nonetheless we can seek forgiveness and ask God to heal our guilt so that we can love with a gentle heart and a strong spirit. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zljYVfHdAOE

Bringing Balance to Life: Heart Check

I'm 6'3" broad shouldered, big boned, look robust, solid, but with one blow I'd crash down like a redwood hewed by an Oregon lumberjack. My friend is 5'11" thin, rather frail looking. Most likely street thugs would attack him, leave me alone. Their mistake. A side kick to the throat, a roundhouse to the temple, and an elbow smash to the face from my black belt friend would reduce the thugs to steak tartare. He's stronger, healthier, more athletic than me. Looks deceive. 

Likewise, the heart. I may speak words as soothing as gently falling rain, belt out a gospel hymn as mighty as rolling thunder, pray piously, quote scripture, but possess a vile, judgmental, jealous heart. Here's a scary thought: I can fool myself. I serve in the Thanksgiving Food Line therefore I must be compassionate. I tithe, certainly I must be generous. I work with Habitat for Humanity ergo I must be a servant. But activity can't whiten a black heart. 

In the last blog I wrote about deeds being more important than words. True, if our heart is loving. I try to remember to do a heart check from time to time. Am I doing this because my heart compels me? Am I doing that with a tender heart?

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way ever lasting. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYi9Vr8bHJY&list=RDnkNu0oM1HZY&index=4

Bringing Balance to Life: Words and Deeds

Last month on a trip to Texas Vicki and I went to a movie with Joshua and his wife. On the way I pontificated grandly on the characteristics of a Christian, what it means to be a Christian, on sin and grace. Upon reflection, my pious dialogue was most likely off-putting to everyone in the car.

After the movie we met a former neighbor, Zack, in the lobby. I don't like Zack. In my view he is an unctuous ingrate with a smarmy smile that says, "I know more than you." (If you abhor someone consider that you may have the same traits as they and what you don't like are those characteristics in yourself.)

After we greeted each other I moved off. A minute or two later I interrupted Zack in mid-sentence, "Come on Joshua, lets get out of here,"

A few days later while playing golf with Joshua I told him that Vicki and I enjoyed the movie. Joshua replied, "We enjoyed it too, but you weren't a good Christian in the lobby."

He went on to explain that I was arrogant, rude, and unkind toward Zack. "Is that what Jesus would do?" (A genuine friend tells you the truth about yourself---good and bad.)

I was stunned and ashamed. Immediately these thoughts popped into my mind, Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and truth (I John 3:18).

I had been a hypocrite. A few hours before my judgmental actions I had been expounding on Christian behavior.

Then I thought of what Jesus said, If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect (Matthew 5:46-48).

Of course, I will never be perfect. I sin daily. I'm arrogant and judgmental. I lust. I worship idols: fast cars, luxury, the Texas Aggies.  I am irritable and angry at times. The list goes on and on. But with God's help and guidance from the Holy Spirit I can become a better Christian---in actions and deeds.

Thank God for grace. Thank God for truth-telling friends.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTpJxPyo3JE

Bringing Balance to Life: Offering Forgiveness

A Spanish legend tells of a father and his son, Juan, whose strained relationship reached a breaking point. Juan ran away from home. The father after traveling around Spain in search of his rebellious son, put an ad in the Madrid newspaper that read, Dear Juan, meet me in front of the Church of San Manuel y San Benito tomorrow at noon. All is forgiv­en. I love you. The next morning 900 Juans gathered at the church, all seeking forgiveness. Just as Juan is a common name in Spain so is the desire for forgiveness the world over.

All of us have done some­thing that has offended someone. When we are wrong let's admit it and ask for forgiveness. If we wish to be forgiven we must first forgive those who have offended us, hurt us, angered us, grieved us. With God's help we can forgive. 

Signs of forgiveness:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxoMbPWuk0I

Bringing Balance to Life: Defeating Depression

Severe depression characterized by sleep distur­bance, changes in appetite, decreased libido, feelings of hopelessness and suicidal ideation requires medication and clinical treatment. Milder forms of depression can be handled by a change in our attitudes and actions. Here are some tips:

Think and talk positively. Instead of seeing life half-empty, pour yourself into life and, as water in a glass, fill it up. Don't waste time ruminating and criti­cizing. Stop blaming. Be alert to your negative thoughts and words and replace them immediately with some­thing positive. Talk like a happy person and you'll become a happy person. Pretend you're happy and you'll be amazed at the difference this assumption will make. The power of positive thinking packs a pleasant punch.

Do your best. Give up the quest for perfection and appreciate your best effort. Know your capabilities and feel good about your attempt. Just do your best. That's all anyone can do.

Cultivate optimism. Optimism creates energy that allows you to find a way to succeed. Remember your successes, forget your failures. Visualize good things happening to you each day. Concentrate on the things you like about yourself and your life.

Rid yourself of negative talk. Expunge "should," "ought," and "must" from your vocabulary.

Exercise. Vigorous exercise enhances a sense of well being. Exercise increases brain neurotransmitters that help boost ener­gy and enthusiasm. The exhaustion that depressed peo­ple experience is caused by mental fatigue, not physical fatigue. Physical exercise enhances mental alertness.

Eat right. Fruits and vegetables stimulates the production of brain serotonin, a neurotransmit­ter that improves mood. Chicken, fish, and lean beef improves alertness and mental energy.

Rest. Overwork contributes to a depressed mood. Take time to rest and relax.

Don't take yourself too seriously. A cosmic sense of humor, the ability to laugh at yourself and your mis­takes relieves tension and diminishes the quest for perfection. A good belly laugh builds endorphins.

Stay active. Abraham Lincoln said, "I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair." Activity is the antidote for depression. We can remind ourselves of Churchill's axiom, "Most of the world's work is done by people who do not feel very well." Work cures misery.

Confront problems. When a conflict occurs, deal with the difficulty immediately. Avoiding a problem increases depression and frustration. Speak up. Don't bottle your feelings or nurse grudges.

Walk with a zip in your step. Skip. Smile. Snap your fingers. Superman/Superwoman pose. Shoulders back. Don't let 'em know you're feeling down. 

Wear brightly colored clothes. Reds, yellows, oranges enhance mood. 

Change. Life is too short to be miserable. Be receptive to new ideas. Take risks. Step out and step up. Find a job that you enjoy. Follow your bliss.

What the Bible says about depression:

A joyful heart does good like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones. Proverbs 17:30

Shout for joy all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Psalm 100

Shout for joy to the Lord all the earth, burst into jubilant song with music; make music to the Lord with the harp, and the sound of singing. Psalm 98

Some peppy music to lift the spirits:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcxYwwIL5zQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fhl4llWn8NE
Have a belly laugh or several to cheer you up:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIqofVwYi4I

Bringing Balance to Life: Wasting Anger

Anger can be appropriate or inappropriate: 

• Constructive anger can strengthen relationships when utilized to correct a problem, right an injustice, or defend the innocent. 
• Suppressed anger can cause bitterness or consume us from within. Sometimes depression can result from anger at others or anger at a situation that is turned against the self.
• Anger over selfish demands.
• Anger from demands for perfection.
• Anger that results from fear of rejection.

How do we determine appropriateness when we are angry? Ask yourself:

• Am I being selfish? 
• Am I angry because I want more than I need.
• Are my demands unreasonable? 
• Am I expecting too much of myself and others?
• Am I afraid of being rejected or hurt?

An affirmative answer to any of these questions indicate that you have a problem that needs fixing:

• Walk away, imagine a relaxing scene such as a cooling rain falling, take deep breaths, breathing in relaxation, breathing out tension
• Diminish self­ishness by thinking of the difficulties others have. 
• Remind yourself that no one is perfect. Be forgiving of yourself and others. 
• If you get angry because you feel unloved, remember that anger increases the probability of rejection. 
• Improve your attitude about yourself and you will improve the way others respond to you.

When someone has angered you clearing the air and making appropriate suggestions for change will pre­vent deterioration in a relationship and produce needed corrections in behavior. Use the following approach to vent anger in a way that strengthens relationships:

• Meet alone with the per­son who has incurred your wrath.
• Tell the person what you're upset about.
• Let the person know how you feel about the problem.
• Be quiet a few seconds and let the person feel how your feel.
• Work together to formulate a solution for the difficulty.
• Shake hands. When it's over, it's over.

What does the Bible say about anger:

• Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Ephesians 4:26, 31
• For a man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:20
• A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11
• A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1 
• A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel. Proverbs 15:18 

Click here whenever anger overtakes you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybFre_ldiUs